Steve Kaftal passed away peacefully, surrounded by his beloved half-kilo of cocaine, his Fender Stratocaster, and five male escorts (whom he insisted were paying him).
After a lengthy negotiation with St. Peter over jurisdiction, Steve reportedly argued that Heaven lacked personal jurisdiction, Hell had improper venue, and Purgatory failed to state a claim upon which relief could be granted. The case remains on appeal.
Steve is survived by an estranged sister whose name he forgot years ago, Sherri (the sister who somehow tolerated him anyway), and his niece Elizabeth, who continues to ask, “Are we absolutely sure Steve was my uncle?”
Steve's final wishes included:
• That his obituary contain at least three lies.
• That no one describe him as “kind.”
• That everyone remember he was right about absolutely everything.
• That anyone crying at his memorial be escorted out unless they first buy everyone a drink.
Friends remember Steve as a lovable narcissist... ...a man who never entered a room quietly, never lost an argument he was having with you (in his mind), and never met a mirror he didn't approve of.
His law office will remain exactly as he left it: disorganized, overconfident, and somehow still billing in six-minute increments.
Steve has been cremated. In accordance with his final instructions, anyone who remained his Facebook friend during the last 365 days may receive a commemorative packet of his ashes in the mail. His estate encourages recipients to display them responsibly... ...or honor Steve's memory in whatever wildly inappropriate manner immediately comes to mind (making a 1:1 mixuture with blow and snorting is just a suggestion).
The first packet was reportedly sent to Keith Richards, who examined it carefully and remarked:
“I've put worse things up my nose... but this one billed me afterward.”
Steve requested that no flowers be sent. Instead, please insult someone you love, buy a stranger a drink, play a loud guitar solo, tell an offensive joke, or confidently give legal advice in an area you know absolutely nothing about. He would have approved of at least three of those.
The only verifiable fact on this page is that Steve Kaftal has died.
Everything else should be presumed to be satire, exaggeration, affectionate slander, complete fiction, or a failure of someone's memory after too many cocktails.
Nothing on this website should be construed as legal advice.
Finally, in what legal scholars are already calling an unprecedented disciplinary action, the State Bar has reportedly announced its intention to disbar Steve after his death, citing “continuing concerns that eternity may constitute the unauthorized practice of law.”
This online obituary was written by a gentile, and wherever Steve is now, he's screaming that gentiles are not funny.
gwest9@gmail.com